My BDSM Dungeon Encounter in Toronto

Last week I was out at the Toronto Rebel club with some poly friends I met at a meet up.

It started like normal night out: dancing, some drinks, telling jokes.  Then Chris, one of my new friends, asked if any of us had ever heard of a BDSM dungeon before.

I replied no, and so did my other two friends Sarah and Amanda.  Chris soon explained that Toronto has some pretty famous dungeons filled with erotic furniture and sex equipment. He went on to explain that the dungeons are available to rent by the hour, and that split between 4 people it is quite affordable.

I was surprised, I had heard of BDSM before of course, as I am an avid 50 shades of grey fan.  But had never considered renting a dungeon before.

Exploring the Sex Dungeon First Hand

As the night continued we began to get more and more inebriated.  Eventually we all came to the consensus that we should rent out one of these dungeons for an hour, you know, just to check it out.

We called around and eventually found a place called the ritual chamber that charged $300 an hour.  A 15 minute driver later and we were outside the front door of a beautiful Victorian mansion in a rich looking neighborhood.  Quite the ambiance for a kinky parlor.

The host let us in and began to explain all the rules.  She didn’t seem to mind that we were all a little drunk, perhaps it was a normal occurrence that curious revelers show up this late at night.

There were 6 rooms total, each with a different fantasy theme: a medical clinic, complete with medical exam tools, gowns, and insertion devices; a school room, with paddles and whips for naughty students; the classic dungeon, with all kinds of kinky furniture i’d never imagined; a nursery, which was just too weird for me; and also a Victorian parlour that matched the elegant style of the house.

After our tour we were left to enjoy our hour.

We spent time wandering the rooms and giggling as we imagined how all the rooms might be used.

The Sex Stool Room

I left the others to explore the parlour as I went off to the modern dungeon.  There was all kinds of erotic toys in there!  Most of them looked quite painful, but one really stood out: a sex stool with bouncy straps.

At first I couldn’t really figure it out.  Then i start experimenting with it by sitting down and bouncing on it some more.  It was really fun!

the kind of sex stool i sawHonestly stuff, like the sex stool or the liberator is my ideal sex toy.  It is just a fun new approach to sex rather than a painful one, and there are also loving communities around it like sex stool muse.  I was thankful for the diversity that this sex dungeon had, it wasn’t all about pain and dominance (although there was plenty of that in there too).

The Rest of the Night

If you are expecting some kinky story about how we all had a foursome in the dungeon, i’m sorry, but I have to disappoint you.  We were all new friends and this was just a fun nightly adventure of curiosity.  Call me a nerd if you like, but i prefer to wait until at least the second or third date before using a sex dungeon.

So Many Kinds of Lube, So Little Time

Lubricants are a fun gift that I have been getting my friends for the last couple years.  Think about it, everyone uses lube at some point!  There are all kinds of interesting, weird, and even funny lubes out there!

Flavored Lubes

You can find lubricants that come in all kinds of crazy flavors.  Some of the most popular include blueberry, watermelon, and strawberry sex lube.  I have personally always been a big fan of strawberry, as it is easy to find and tastes great!  However at the same time there are more rare flavors that you can only find online, these are exciting simply because they aren’t something you see everyday.’

Now don’t go swallowing a whole tube of this stuff in one night.  It may be flavored, but that doesn’t mean it will sit well in your stomach.  I have had a few lovers who had a bit too much and ending up vomiting 20 minutes later, so be careful.

I find that strawberry lube can be kind of sticky as well and dry up quick when it counts.  Its sticky in the way that spilled kool-aid or punch can be after it dries.  As in a bit stickier that regular stuff like KY.

Warming Lubricants

When sex just isn’t hot enough, warming lubes are a way to make it even hotter.

This stuff has a chemical reaction that takes place when making contact with the heat of your skin, it literally increases to about 10 degrees hotter than average body temperature.  If you aren’t used to it it can be kind of scary to be honest, like you are having an allergic reaction.  When i first tried it out both my partner and I had never heard of it before.  About 2 minutes into our session it became two intense and we panicked–eventually ending up in the shower frantically trying to wash the stuff off.

However after that incident we gave it a few more tries and got really into it!  Now its a regular part of my lube arsenal.

How to Meet Polyamorous People

If you are a polyamorous person it can be difficult to find a partner who wants the same thing as you from the beginning.  It makes the whole process of dating much less messy and stressful if you are on the same page before you form a connection you might have to break.

Luckily there are many online communities and platforms that make meeting non-monogamous people near you fairly easy.

Meetup

The website meetup.com is my all time favorite way to meet others with my tastes.  If you are in a big city like toronto there is guaranteed to be alot of meetups happening every month.

polyamory questions
Typical interview questions to join a polyamory meetup group

Unlike most other meetups, you need to answer some questions and be approved before getting to know the location and time of the meeting.  The reason they do this is pretty obvious, they don’t want a bunch of creepy guys showing up just to meet potentially kinkier women.

The questions ask you to clarify why are you are interested, what polyamory means to you, and if you have read the ‘safer space and behavior guidelines’.  The guidelines basically say don’t be creepy and be a normal person.

So it is very important you know what polyamory is and you are not 100% purely chasing sex and disregarding people’s humanity.

Here are two great meetups to get started with in Toronto:

If you are a traveler meetup is another great way to meet people in the area and potentially go on a date.  During my last trip to Portland Oregon I used the site to find a polyamory meetup and had a great time.  Especially in a city like Portland, which is known for being a bit more open minded, you can create great memories and lasting relationships on your trip.

OkCupid and Other Dating Sites

tinder polyamory sex
Example of a time to swipe left

This is another great way to filter out any monogamous people right from the start.  In fact, OkCupid even has a setting that lets you appear invisible to anyone with a monogamous setting or any other setting.  I very firmly state in my profile that I am polyamorous and that I have certain ground rules that need to be followed if anything were to get serious.

Despite laying down these ground rules I have still gotten a few clingy people that pretended to know what polyamory really is just to get a date with me.  However this happened much more in my late teens and early twenties.  I think as i’ve gotten older its been easier to find more relaxed people in general.

In addition to okcupid you can also give Tinder a try.  This dosen’t have the great filtering options, but you can just put down in the description that you generally date more than one person etc.

Craigslist

Okay this might sound a little sketchy, but I have heard of people at my meetup having a little bit of success with it.  The general idea is just to put up a wanted post saying you are looking to meet polyamorous people.  Include a view pictures as well as whatever else you want the people to know.

Now here is the important part.

You must tell them to include at least five pictures of themselves in any email.  This will hopefully filter out any weird people looking for sex with no clue what polyamory is.  From here you can exchange numbers, skype, and maybe eventually meet somewhere and do your thing.

 

Trying out the Sex Swing

The sex swing is an interesting invention that me and my boyfriend have been trying out lately.

It began with an episode of the show rick and morty where one of the aliens in the dream episode was using a sex swing.  Next thing we know we were googling and finding out about the underground sex swing world.

Our first attempt was based off a DIY sex swing article on reddit.  By using some old pairs of jeans, and bolting rope to the ceiling we came up with a fun little beauty.  Needless to say it broke after two days and we were left looking for a new solution.

A Sex Swing Christmas

I awoke to a surprise Christmas morning with a massive box from my boyfriend Chris.  In it was a massive sex swing complete with a stand, from the company sls.  Using this we finally had a solid sex swing where we could experiment and let our minds run wild.

Favorite Sex Swing Positions

My favorite sex swing position by far is the missionary.  It lets my hubby have complete control of me with zero friction.  I like to imagine it is what sex in outer space might be like.

The sex swing has over 100 positions in total.  Most of these positions are variations on all the positions you are already familiar with: Oral, doggy, squat n bounce.  They all have a sex swing variation that is like a sex in outer space version.

The sex swing materials are usually a strong polyester-nylon hybrid or a PVC plastic.  The plastic is nice because it is easy to clean, however it comes at the cost of being a little less expensive.  If you get the polyester-nylon swing dirty, which you will, just throw it in the washing machine and it will be good as new.  I avoid putting it in the dryer though and just let it dry outside (don’t worry, the neighbors won’t be able to guess what it is)

 

 

The Difference Between Polygamy and Polyamory

What is the difference between being polygamous and being polyamorous?

Polygamy is having multiple wifes or spouses and is usually associated with certain cultures or religious groups like fundamental mormons.  Polyamorous on the other hand is counter culture and focuses on having multiple loving relationships.

Polyamorous

Someone is being polyamorous when they feel love for multiple people.   This is common in young people who tend to date multiple people at the same time.  If they adore and become attached to several people at once they are being polyamorous and in polyamorous relationships.

Being polyamorous is about having love for multiple people, not necessarily craving multiple sexual partners.  In some cases people find that they need more than one person to meet all their intellectual, physical, and emotional needs.

One common ethical concern is that polyamory can often hurt many peoples feelings.  Someone who is monogomous (the opposite of polyamorous) may deeply love the polyamorous person and get very hurt and jealous when they date other people.  This is why it is always important to date other polys or be very clear from the beginning that you are not looking for anything too serious.

In the lesbian and feminist communities during the 1970s committed relationships were seen as patriarchal and even Suppressive.  One solution was open relationships which was a defining characteristic of the movement and seen as feminist and radical.

Polygamy

Polygamy on the other hand is seen as much more radical right and has to do with the suppression of women.  The most well known polygamists are the fundamental mormon’s who practiced having many wives at once.  Many times these women had very little rights and were forced to do whatever the man wanted.   Sometimes these men would marry underage teenagers as well.

One of the original strongholds of polygamy was in Utah, where the Mormon church started taking root in the 1850s.  For decades men practiced having multiple wives, but other states did not like this one bit.  By 1890 the U.S government created a law banning official unions between one person and multiple partners.  However many people in Utah still practice unofficial polygamous unions.  In Canada there is a severe 5 year prison sentence for anyone caught being married to multiple people at once.

In other countries polygamy is deeply ingrained within the cultural norms.  For example in Islam and the Muslim religions people can have multiple wives.  Therefore you will find many Muslim countries in Africa and the middle east fully recognizing polygamous marriages.  Some diverse countries in Asia also recognize polygamous relationships for their muslim citizens.

polygamous vs polyamorous
countries that allow polygamous marriages are shown in black

So hopefully this clears up any confusion out there.  To be clear this websites name torontopoly is short for Toronto Polyamory.